I came across a lovely written IG post and wanted to share it with you.
@the.holistic.psychologist
How to Stop Betraying Yourself:
Self betrayal is common when our sense of self (or self worth) comes from validation or approval we get from others
In our attempt to gain approval we can deny our own needs, get out of alignment with our values, and become a version or ourselves that isn’t authentic to who we actually are
When we don’t trust ourselves, we look to other people’s validation to guide our choices or our behavior
In order to heal from patterns of self betrayal, we have to stop looking to people for external validation and begin to look within ourselves to ask “what is it that I stand for?” “Who do I wish to be in this world?” “What matters to me?”
Releasing the need for everyone to approve of, understand, and support the choices you make in life is key in healing self betrayal
Begin within integrity to your own values and truth might not always be popular, trendy, or get you social media approval from friends and family (sometimes you’ll even get disapproval)
It doesn’t mean we can’t hear other people’s opinions and take them into account. It just means we ask ourselves: “How will this choice make me feel about me?”
-The above was taken from Dr. Nicole LePera
IG @the.holistic.psychologist
This hit home for me as I am navigating healthy/unhealthy relationships and communities. Once a relationship addict (aka codependent) I will always be prone to codependency. It's an addiction and pull I think I will always have, therefore I am needing to be extra aware of my tendency to self sacrifice for others. The need to be autonomous is not just a need for me, it is a MUST.
One of the red flags that I am currently addressing is the pouring out of very personal and tender information to those who have not earned the right or the trust to hear those holy places of my heart. This creates self betrayal and shame in me after the conversation. I liken it to emotional prostitution. I do it subconsciously.
I have come to realize that one of the reasons I do this is to manipulate and emotionally hook the person I am talking to by using empathy as a connection. This is different from me sharing things to grow in a relationship/friendship with someone. There is a twisted motive behind this and I am no longer seeing the person as a person, but an object that will help me feel more secure in life.
The shift is happening where I am leaving this all behind, and as I walk forward it is frightening to release people from meeting my needs and I look to God and myself to meet all my needs. However, the freedom cannot compare. I am free. There are no social/emotional binds or ties to hold me to anyone or anything unless I choose them out of love and freedom-not fear and control. There is a big difference.
I wrote out my values list today and I am excited to share it with you. It's a new guide for my heart and mind as I continue forward on this mysterious journey called life. I hope it inspires you to write one out on your own.
MY VALUES
True to me, my voice, my story
People are equal-everyone is made in God’s image
Love and grace heal
Truth brings freedom, lies bring death and pain
Religion is deadly
Love does not ever demand sacrifice
I choose to live in God’s reality-no matter how much it costs me
I will not look to people to tell me who I am or to meet my needs
The more I stay true to these top values, the more I walk out integrity which in turn will strengthen self trust and confidence and autonomy.